one little word: 2015

I ended last year feeling a little shaky. Not all in bad ways, either, though I was having a some (metaphorical) growing pains that shook my faith up a bit. That happens from time to time. I guess the best way I can describe it is to say that I felt like I was teetering at the edge of a precipice, unwilling to step backward (because I'm all about progress) and too frightened to step forward. In the back of my mind I knew there were good things ahead. I knew I had prepared many supports and safeties in the past, and that Heavenly Father had been preparing me for even greater growth all last year as I worked hard on bringing my life into harmony with the things that are most important to me. But the moving forward still felt... just hard.

I toyed with a few ideas for my word this year. I thought about continuing with

s i m p l i f y

since I only switched over to that word partway through last year. But at the end of the day, my problem is not typically a lack of activity or a lack of motivation, but my inability to relinquish control. So while my word for this year might seem a little passive, it is actually going to be the most challenging one I have chosen so far:

t r u s t

Just trust.

That's it.

I'm not making goals within goals, or baby steps, or planning to track on the blog or anywhere else but in my own heart. When faced with a deliberation or a choice--Should I hang this picture here even though I have an irrational fear of making holes in the wall? Should I intervene or reach out to someone or is my place in their life to serve in some other way? How should I spend this lonely evening while Steve is at work? Should I get to work on something new or be still, let go, and rest?. When these questions and others like them come, and I feel the anxiety of wondering if I'll "get it wrong" I'm going to pause and turn inward. I'll consult myself and consult my Father in Heaven. And then I'm going to try to take a deep breath and trust those answers.

I've been looking for some answers for several months now, waiting impatiently and letting small doubts worry away at my heart. And it was really tough to wade through that sadness and uncertainty and simply choose, again and again, to trust. To wait. I don't have all the answers now (clearly!) but I have some more.

This word feels good. It feels loving and carefully selected. It feels like mine and it sits well in my soul.

Have you chosen a word for 2015? I'd love to hear about it!

Not-Very-Simple Starting Places

We all have moments where we look at our lives and wonder what went wrong. How did I end up here? How am I this kind of person, instead of the one I wanted to be? For me one of those moments came in January, when I looked at myself and saw a stressed out, over-worked, worried woman who was still behind on "everything" and didn't have the time, energy, or brain space to be a fun mom. A nice mom. A happy mom. Yes, we had our moments of fun, but for the most part, even in the rare moment when I stopped to really play with my kids, I still had this gnawing fear in the pit of my stomach that this little bit of play was only putting me more behind.

In order to get from point A (gnawing fear, stress, unsatisfied, guilty, and behind on everything) to point B (happy mom, present and focused, with a reasonable amount of order and reasonable expectations) I had to shovel myself out of the pressure-laden workload I'd piled on top of myself. No one was going to do this but me. (Hard lesson.) But, as I've seen become more and more apparent over the course of the year, I also don't have to do anything alone. Because I've got a Heavenly Father who puts my feet down on the path he wants me to walk--I just have to trust and go forward.

The first things I looked at were the energy-suckers. Things that devoured my time and effort with little or no reward. These things had to be streamlined, cleared away, automated, and prioritized in order for me to make time to do things that make me happy. Because as much as I'd love to abandon doing the dishes or paying the bills in favor of scratching graphite over sketchbook pages, in the long run, the success and consistency of those necessary things are what give me the mental freedom to delve into peace, study, creativity, and exploration. So, first things first, I knew I had to tackle at least these four massive energy-sucking issues and make them more manageable:

1. My relationship with my children (I was, I am horribly ashamed to admit, yelling a lot),

2. My children's relationships with each other (I didn't know these first two were separate issues at the time),

3. Money (the monster worry that ate my life, pinched my generosity, piled on layer after layer of fear, wasted my time, sucked up my hours, ruined my sleep, and still never felt manageable),

and

4. Housekeeping (the thing I have felt so bad at for my whole life that I literally talked it through with a therapist in a full-on therapy session in my early twenties, and clearly resolved nothing).

I felt intuitively (or, more likely, I was inspired by the Spirit to know) that cleaning up these four (massive!) things would create a firm, dependable foundation of necessary good that would allow me more mental space to devote to the above-and-beyond good I craved: time to read, more moments of creativity, peace in our home, more comfort with/acceptance of who I am, the capability to really engage with my children and with Steve, and enough quiet, unhurried moments to be more focused on the influence of my Savior and the many beautiful plans my Father in Heaven might have for me. 

There were a lot of things missing, huh? I didn't even list all of them.

I am still a work in progress, but I am pleased with the places I've started. 2014 was a banner year for me, and I am so thankful for the work I put in at the beginning now that I can finally look back and see how my path has shifted toward less worry and more beauty. I'm going to try to write myself through this, because it's been kind of a lot to process. So bear with me as I write overly long posts about simplicity--they are mostly for myself, and even though I've thrown a lot of stuff out the (metaphorical) window in the name of streamlining, I've never really been able to be sparing when it comes to words. :)

The Long Road to Simpler

I'm kind of a self-help junkie.

In a good way, I think. In the way that means that I see something I don't like and then look for ways to fix it. But also in the way that I pass casually through the non-fiction section of the Southside Library and leave with so many books that I have to hold the stack (which starts at waist-level) under my chin to keep it steady and a very kind teenager holds the door for me and then I let the whole thing topple in the parking lot as I try to finagle my keys from my pocket. In the way that halfway through the year Steve glanced over at me as I read yet another parenting book and asked, "Are you ever going to read anything fun again?"

The thing is, I love to learn. I've got a knack for study. So when I realized at some point that my current curriculum could be totally self-defined and tailored to the exact needs of my life (instead of a public school's benchmarking needs or a university's GE requirements) I just got crazy, nerdily, bookishly, passionately excited about that idea. I don't have to sit idly by as life happens to me. I can learn and grow and forge a life I feel exhilarated to wake up to every morning. And that is why, when 2014 was already halfway over, I changed this year's one little word to "simplify."

The thing about simplifying your life on a large scale is that it is not simple. It requires huge amounts of effort, restructuring, researching, rethinking, and most of all, the thing that gives me perhaps the most anxiety/dread/heebie jeebies (and often triggers my depression to come out to play): massive amounts of CHANGE.

What I've noticed so far, though, is that this change (these many, many changes) is/are the good kind of hard work. The kind that makes your mind feel lighter and your body pleasantly tired by bedtime--like running for a good long time and then enjoying the ache in your muscles. Because it means accomplishment. It means moving forward. It means you are doing something, and not just standing still.

I'm going to talk more about this later. But right now, I need to round up some children and go pick up my big girl from school. :)

Changing my One Little Word.

One of the things I've learned in years of public goal-setting is that one of the BIGGEST and BEST secrets of setting achievable goals (after being realistic, which is key) is to be TOTALLY 100% FORGIVING with yourself.

So, you worked out zero times out of your three-day goal this week? You haven't kept up on your paperwork and now your inbox is piled high with bills, coupons, and Huggies Rewards points you have to enter??? (Why am I so obsessed with entering these??) OH. And you failed to edge up the word-count of your novel on vacation even though you promised yourself that you would pretty faithfully and devoutly with an honest intent?

Okay.

Well that's too bad but its no reason to get out the hairshirt and schedule yourself a public flogging, you know?

So in the middle of my year of   n o u r i s h   I am, with no guilt whatsoever(!), abandoning that ship wholeheartedly and changing my one little word!

Looking back, I can see that it just wasn't the right fit--at least not the way I was using it. I don't have the time and energy to pile on a hundred more things for myself to do in all those minuscule categories. Seriously. Some of it I will do anyway because it's just the way I'm angling my/our life/lives--like how we're eating less processed foods, so I'm making all our bread now--but for the most part I've realized that I need to be taking pressure off, not adding new things to stress about.

I think Gracie starting elementary school really kicked me in the face (weird metaphor) and made me recognize that if I don't pare down the responsibilities I have (and the ones I accept, and the ones I place on myself) and streamline, I will not be able to comfortably make time for the things that matter--like hanging out with my almost-6-year-old in those few precious hours between the end of school and the dinner/bedtime rush.

And also, I just kind of looked at the trajectory of my life--all filled up with these stupid things I was spending time doing inefficiently or on my own or because I felt guilted into it--and realized that if I didn't make things simpler and more straightforward, I couldn't have any more kids. I simply would not have been able to keep up. And while we're not rushing towards more babies at this point, I do at least want to feel like I have the option to add another little one without self-destructing.

So my new word is:

s i m p l i f y

It has meant a lot of wonderful, wonderful change around here that has left me breathing and sleeping easier. Things like a new way of budgeting that is actually working (almost 6 months with no lapses, meltdowns, or insane pent-up splurges), an ongoing purge of our whole house (I've gotten rid of a walk-in closetful of clothes, and boxes and bags full of kitchen stuff--I actually have EMPTY CUPBOARDS in my kitchen. Like, several of them!), uninstalling facebook from my iPad, and lots of streamlining of our routine and how I organize and deal with paperwork, and increasing the kids' involvement in taking care of themselves, their relationships with each other, and the home we all share.

It has been a lot of work up front, but I feel like things are coming together piece by piece. Sure I'll fall off the wagon sometimes, but whatever. It's a process. Right now I'm just happy that my kitchen counters are staying cleaner than ever before and my budget is no longer giving me stomach aches. Kind of feels like an age of miracles. Yay 2014. :)

one little word report #5: peace of mind

Peace of Mind

Goal: Refrain from using non-phone electronics (computer, iPad) until kids' nap time.

How it went: Well... If we're sticking to the exact terms of this goal, it went badly. Like, it almost didn't go at all. But I tend to make goals mostly to enact a change in my life rather than to stick to a letter-of-the-law new rule, and I think this goal made me much more mindful of how I was using my electronic devices.

For the first few days I was pretty strict, and I really did enjoy the feeling of being untethered from the internet. I was able to get more done around the house, keep my mind a little quieter, focus more on the kids, and just generally feel more at ease. It was good to see what a difference less screen time makes!

The problem is, our world is becoming increasingly paperless. For example, I bought an ebook version of Shift, a book I've been reading towards my book goal. They don't have it at the library (I checked). So that meant that, simply to work on that goal and read that book, I had to have my iPad on.

Anyway, I think I have found a happy medium. When possible, I print things out (recipes, directions) so I'm not tempted to check facebook as I'm trying a recipe for dinner, but I also allow myself to pay a bill if the kids are busy playing or google the amount of bread yeast in a packet so I can measure it out correctly without waiting until the kids' nap/quiet time.

What surprised me was just how nice it feels to be a little more "unplugged," but also that I find peace a little differently than many people. I was reading on someone's blog how much they enjoy having just quiet in their home (at least as much as you can have with busy little ones underfoot), so I turned off the music for a day or two to see how I felt. We do have many quiet hours in our day, but sometimes I find it comforting or uplifting to have a little bit going on--music playing, a podcast on while I fold, or, when Steve is on a night shift or something, maybe a TV show playing in the background as I work on a project.

I think, like many things, it is all about moderation.

NEW GOAL:
I'm doing a couple things for peace of mind right now--revamping the budget, purging excess stuff from the house, etc. but I think my big goal for the next month or so is going to be to abide by my new cleaning schedule.

I have always struggled with cleaning the house--it seems an insurmountable task when you've got so many interruptions from little kiddos. So I usually just didn't clean unless I got a little manic one day. And then I felt guilty about how my house wasn't clean, and stressed by the mess/clutter/etc. So this month I finally sat down and decided which things HAD to get done every week to feel like our house was clean enough. Just clean enough for me to feel good, and not completely behind. I chose five things, one for each weekday.

I also decided to do one load of laundry each weekday and none on the weekend. This frees up my weekend days and makes them feel more weekend-y even when Steve is at work. Last week I got 4/5 done. I'm good with that! I'll just make sure that if I have to skip a day, it is a different chore than got skipped the week before.

I have not, however, figured out when to fold laundry yet. So now that I'm done writing this, its time for me to sit down and fold the FIVE loads of laundry I washed last week and never got around to putting away. Wish me luck. :)

one little word report #4: intellect

Intellect

Goal: Read 4 books each month.

How it went: Pretty good. I think my mistake so far has been the type of book I'm reading. I purchased a large stash of parenting books in January and few through them. While they were good reads, and all great advice, I started to get really stressed out about all the things I wasn't doing "right." There just seemed to be so much to fix! So I'm taking a break from those and just focusing on one improvement at a time.

Going forward I'm going to limit myself to one parenting/self-improvement book per month. The rest need to be fiction! Also, I think page count needs to play in here somehow. In January I read Wool, which is 600 pages (it is technically 5 books combined into an omnibus), and I don't think it would make a lot of sense for me to try to read four 600 page books at this point in my life. :)

Books I've read in Jan/Feb:

Wool Omnibus (Wool #1-5) - Hugh Howey
Abel's Island - William Steig
Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking - Jerry L. Wyckoff
The Parenting Breakthrough - Merilee Boyack
Siblings Without Rivalry - Adele Faber
Shift Omnibus (Shift #1-5) - Hugh Howey (still reading this one)

NEW GOAL: I think this is all. I just want to keep reading. I need to get some books on hold at the library and go to town. Recommendations are welcome!

one little word report #3: family

Next up, the family goal!

Goal: Spend 30 minutes intentionally playing with the kids each day.

How it went: This, I realize now, was an unrealistic goal as stated. I thought I could easily stop everything for a full 30 minutes and just play with the kids. This was not practical for a few reasons: First, the kids didn't always need me when I had 30 free minutes. Why interrupt them when they are playing happily? Or put pressure on myself only to play when I had a full half an hour?! Second, 30 minutes is a really long time to play pretend, talk about ABCs, or do other things I may find boring but the kids love. A really long time.

So, a few days into this goal, I made a mental change to the wording: Spend 10 minutes intentionally playing with each kid, and involve them in my day.

This worked way better!! It gave me the push to stop and play but didn't set up an unrealistic expectation for myself. So for example, if Charlie wanted to play with our ABC fridge magnets with me, I would find a stopping place in my chores (and ask him to wait) and then set the timer for 10 minutes and play. He felt listened to and loved, we got some good learning time, and I had specified an end time for him so I wouldn't get too behind on the other things that needed to be done. (He is still a little disappointed when its time to stop, but he knows we'll have more time later).

Bonus? Some days I am able to make multiple 10 minute blocks per kid, and that is even better! They get that love-time spread out throughout the day instead of just in one long chunk.

I also loved that separating my 30 minutes into 10 per child meant I could focus better on just that kid. Charlie usually wants to play cards (which means I am to stare at the cards he chooses for me and not touch or otherwise disturb them while we sometimes talk about which numbers are on them) or play with the fridge magnets, while Gracie has enjoyed reading to me in the evenings after the younger two are in bed.

And the second part of this goal--to involve the kids in my day--has been good, too. When someone needs some TLC and I am in the middle of a chore or cooking or something, I have been trying to involve them. This often means a task like unloading the dishwasher or making granola takes (much) more time and effort, because I am teaching little hands how to do new things, but I realized that it will (1) allow us to spend time together without making me feel so behind on the house, (2) teach them life skills that they really need to know, and (3) prepare them to help manage the house so I have more time to play with them.

What surprised me was how capable my kids are when it comes to learning new things--and how happy they can be when we do chores! I taught Gracie how to fold laundry, for example, and she actually likes sitting with me to fold together. There is always some frustration for them when they're learning (us, too, right?!) but they are really bright and more dextrous than I thought. Gracie can fold socks into sock balls and make a sandwich, and Charlie can now put on his underwear and pants himself--we're working on shoes next.

NEW GOALS: I'm going to keep this up as well. And my new goals?
Be more mindful of the kids' perspective.

I've been listening to a lot of podcasts from Power of Moms (its a wonderful, helpful website about being a mom--solidarity! We can do this!), and one thing they brought up recently was that we sometimes get mad at our kids for doing things when they didn't know the rules to begin with.

For example, I might get mad at my kids for getting their church shoes dirty, when they didn't know they weren't supposed to run and play in those shoes in the first place. How would they know that, right? Why would a kid think--Oh, unlike my other shoes, these shoes are probably for walking nicely but not for running in mud. No. If I haven't explained the rules beforehand, all they are thinking is--MUD!!!! YAY!!! So it doesn't make sense to be angry.

I forget a lot that everything in this world is brand new to them. And I get impatient or upset because I'm not looking at their perspective. So that's my goal starting now (and for a while, I bet)--just to take a breath and see things from their perspective--and prepare them for potentially troublesome situations (explain the church shoes!) beforehand whenever possible.

And have Family Home Evening once a week. Our church encourages us to do this weekly (traditionally its on Monday night) as a way to connect with and teach the kids. So we do a (very short, as fun as possible) lesson about something (anything from reading the scriptures to why we need to help mom clean up our toys), have a special dinner (something the kids love), and then do something special like play a game together or go on a little outing.

We've had a hard time doing this because our kids were little, and because Steve's schedule is so variable we could never make Monday FHE's a consistent thing. So finally we just decided to choose a day when we look over his schedule each week. We've done it two weeks now, and so far its going well. The lesson part doesn't feel natural yet, but I think that with some practice we'll find what works for our kids. :)

one little word report #2: health/body

Ready to hear how my health goal for the first 2 months turned out?

Health
Goal: Shoot for half a plate's worth of fruits/veggies at every meal/snack.

How it went: This went well, too. I actually started Weight Watchers the week before Christmas (on purpose--Christmas cookies are one of my weaknesses!), and you track food based on a points system they give you. Guess what? Fruits and veggies are 0 points, soooo that is good motivation to eat more of them. :)

I've definitely noticed a change in how I set up my meals now. Breakfast used to be straight up carbs--cereal and milk and nothing else. Now my typical breakfast is toast with peanut butter, a small glass of milk, and some applesauce. (I'm working on getting the kids away from cereal breakfasts, too.)

Snacks used to be rolls, bread, crackers or, okay, let's be honest--a cookie or some chocolate! Ha! Now I eat an apple with a piece of cheese or some PB.

And we've started preparing an extra veggie side at dinner so we can make half our plates be vegetables. I'm even learning about roasting and seasoning vegetables instead of just steaming them (I am not a talented cook, my friends. This is all new to me.)

I still need to work on variety--I mostly eat apples, I've noticed--and consistency, even when I'm hungry. I also need to shift my mindset a bit, I think, so that I can convince myself it is possible to feel full with a tummy full of produce instead of bread. I also need to plan better.

What surprised me about this was how hard it was. It takes a lot of planning to change your diet (I don't know why this surprised me), and I noticed that if I didn't have a plan for a healthy snack before I got hungry, I would go right back to the carbs and sugar. (Steve has recently started to use the term "hangry" for when you're SO hungry you start getting angry/fussy--this is the point when I snap at my kids AND reach for the chocolate; I need to be ready before then!)

Also, it's been interesting trying to move to less-processed foods--the challenge here is shifting our budget from cheaper-but-processed foods to more-expensive-but-whole foods, like fruits and veggies. I miss California's cheap produce. :) But Aldi helps out here!

Also, as of yesterday, I have lost 10 lbs!

NEW GOALS: I'm also going to keep this goal up (obviously) and I am adding two new goals:

1. Continue training for a 5k.
I have never really liked running (translation: I have always hated it) but Steve suggested I train to do a Color Run with him in April. So I found the Couch to 5K sheet I pinned a while back, and I'm now two weeks into it. It's only 3 times a week, so its been doable so far, and I actually (*gasp!*) kind of like it!

2. Plan and prepare snacks ahead.
I need to have something healthy to eat all ready to go before I get HANGRY. :)

one little word report #1: relationships

My year of nourish is going pretty well. I'm loving it, actually. I don't know what it is about choosing a word, but I feel like it really gets my head in the right place when I have a sort of overarching goal for the year. It is exciting and motivating. This is what works for me. :)

If you remember, when I introduced my 2014 word of the year I laid out a handful of mini-goals to nourish different areas of my life (relationships, health/body, family, intellect, and peace of mind). So now I'm going to return and report, make some changes, and add some new goals in the areas that are progressing.

Today, lets talk about challenging my fear of phone calls. :)

Relationships
Goal: Call someone (who is not my mom or someone I pay bills to) once a week.

How it went: Good! I don't know where my terror of the telephone comes from--maybe politeness training as a child??--but I have this just overwhelming discomfort with making a phone call. I just worry so much about being intrusive/interrupting that I can hardly bear to dial the number.

Over the past few weeks, I have made an effort to make some phone calls. Sometimes I've made a social call--maybe 20 minutes of just catching up while I clean & the kids are in quiet time/nap--and sometimes I just choose to call when a text or email would have sufficed, like when someone leaves me a voicemail with a quick question.

What surprised me the most was how much people enjoyed being called! Because I am not a phone person, it didn't occur to me what it would mean to someone to be singled out and called. It was actually a really sweet experience, and I've been able to reconnect on a deeper-than-blogging level with some dear friends. And, so you have my proof, here is a list of people I called (either to chat or to answer a question) over the past few weeks...

Who I called:
Susan, Sophia, Melanie, Amanda, Madeline, and Robyn.
(I also called Suzi, and left a voicemail when she didn't answer. Partial credit.)

NEW GOAL: I'm going to continue my phone goal, because that is a pretty big one for me. And my new goal is pretty simple: I just want to visit my friends. That's all. Just more face time, maybe even with some people I've always meant to get together with but never gotten it to work.

And my bonus? I'd also like to send some care packages. Because mail is just so fun to get, right? I love to imagine my dear ones receiving lovely things in the mail.

one little word: 2014

Happy New Year!

We didn't watch the ball drop last night. Steve has been working long shifts (to make up for the lovely vacation he got for Christmas last week--totally worth it) which means he's tired from working and I'm tired from single-parenting. (And I've had all three home since school is out! Phew!) So we were happy to turn in early after a simple but yummy dinner at home and some champagne flutes of sparkling cider.

This evening I started two new journals (the Q&A a Day Five Year Journal and the Q&A a Day for Kids, both of which I got for Christmas! Hooray!) which each had the date January 1 written in them. Isn't it a great feeling to start a new year? A fresh beginning. I love it.

And, per tradition, I've been thinking about my one little word for this year! (Steve chose one, too! Isn't that fun?) So I want to go over my plans for 2014. But first, let's look at last year's and how it went.

My word was:

e n g a g e.

I wanted to engage more fully with my life, drop away from the internet a little more, be more involved with my kids, make art, read my scriptures, and get really on top of my health. I was fully motivated through January and February--especially when I found out I was pregnant!--and then in early March, morning sickness hit me. And it hit me hard. I thought that when I got into my second trimester I would feel better, but it seemed that one thing after another kept happening to my little body as I carried our little love, and I just never really caught a break physically, which made it hard to play on the floor with the kids or work really hard on my novel or focus on much more than getting through the day. It felt like a marathon. (I assume. I have never run a marathon. Probably because I think it feels like a long, long pregnancy.)

So, I didn't do that great at engaging. I did, however, try my best. I was fully engaged in my pregnancy, obviously, and I did my best to keep going even when I didn't feel my best. I got dressed nicely most days, which was an accomplishment. :) I participated in celebrations for Match Day with nausea and went to the Dixie Classic Fair 38 weeks pregnant. I edited two Colorworld books. I think I did well considering, and I'm okay that I didn't knock it out of the park. I made a very beautiful, sweet, lovely, snuggly, hungry baby, and that was the most wonderful thing I could have accomplished!

And this year, 2014(!), my word is:

n o u r i s h

I thought of several words I would have enjoyed but this one kept coming back and nudging me like a persistent pup who wants to be petted. And it embodies a lot of the other words I was toying with, anyway. So I picked it.

This year, I want to nourish my relationships, my body, my family, my intellect, and my peace of mind. And, since those are all super general, I'm going to start with these smaller, more individual goals (because small, specific goals are easier to tackle and keep!):

1. Relationships: Call someone (who is not my mom or someone I pay bills to) on the phone, once a week. I have an intense (irrational) fear of phone conversations. I cannot explain it, because I cannot shut up in person, or when I'm writing an email or blogging. As you well know! If you and I talk on the phone--if I answer when you call or call you back when you leave a message, know that (1) I must love you and (2) it freaked me out to do so. Isn't that so funny? I just feel so intrusive when I call someone. So it makes me uncomfortable. Anyway, if you'd like to be my phone buddy and let me practice on you, let me know! I need practice!
   
2. Body: Shoot for half a plate's worth of fruits/veggies at every meal/snack. At my six week postpartum visit for both Grace and Charlie, I was back at my pre-pregnancy weight (I know, so rude of me). While I didn't look the same and could still have stood to be a healthier weight for my height, it was comforting to see that number. I did not see it at my postpartum visit with Juliette. (We are 11 weeks now, and I still haven't seen it.) So I decided to get back to a healthy weight for me, which means losing 20lbs. A big part of this is a diet problem. I tend to reach for sweets when I am stressed or snacky, and I love bread and cheese more than I probably should. So I'm shooting to make hearty fruits and vegetables a regular half-plate portion of every meal. Even breakfast. It's going to take time to figure out a new way of eating, but I think it will make me feel so much healthier! AND I will be feeding Juliette better, too. So, bonus.
   
3. Family: Spend at least thirty minutes intentionally playing with the kids each day. This means I turn off the iPad, step away from the laundry, and just play with them. Engage them in conversation. Be more open to their imaginations (even if it means I have to play house. And be the baby.). Forget about bills and messes and clutter, and just be with them and watch their little minds at work.
   
4. Intellect: Read 4 books a month. This is a lofty goal. I may adjust it later, or change it to a page count (I'm reading Wool right now, and it is long enough to count as two books) but placing this desire on my shoulders will not only (1) get me off the internet and back to reading, but also (2) illustrate to my kids that reading is awesome and computing/internetting is not that important to their Mommy (it needs to be less of a time vacuum for me), (3) expose me to more story ideas, plot structures, characters, and writing styles to further inspire my own writing, (4) relax me, and (5) stimulate the grown-up part of my brain that sometimes gets a little tired or lonely home alone with the kiddos.
   
5. Peace of Mind: Refrain from using non-phone electronics (iPad, computer) until the kids' naptime. I tried this yesterday, just to test it out. It was hard. I noticed that as soon as I got bored my impulse was to reach for my iPad. Just to flip through facebook, check my email, and browse Pinterest. You know. Just get my little internet hit to prevent myself from feeling bored. What?! I resisted, and I was pleased to see how much more time I had in my day. I got a lot more done. I also felt more peaceful, less frantic. It didn't matter if someone new had sent me an email--I coud check it later. It was strange to realize how ADD the internet makes me. Kind of freaky. Instead I found myself daydreaming and planning and thinking creatively to fill in the bored space, rather than filling it with nothing. Which is what facebook/Pinterest can be if you check them more than once a day. So I'm going to keep a notepad where I can write down things I need to do online (in case it suddenly hits me that I need to pay a bill or send an email or check a sale or something). But the mornings are going to be device/internet-free. I may expand this to include most of the kids' waketime. I want to be more present for them. And with myself.

Do you have a word for the year? Or a goal you're going to start chomping away at? I want to hear about it!

one little word: 2013

I love choosing my word each year. I worry about it a little. (But that's normal--Steve will tell you that I worry about almost everything at least a little.) But to me it is sort of like naming a child: I need to get it right, because I'm going to stick with it!

Last year's word was l i g h t. I wanted to:

1. Find the light spot, the sweetness and loveliness in each day,
2. Show my children the light of their souls,
3. Learn to see and appreciate my own light, and
4. Take things more lightly (when appropriate, obvs.)

Was it a roaring, glittering, Gatsby-party success? No. But I've learned in four years of doing this, that the point is not to jump into a new self, but to let this thought work in me over the course of the year, simmer and stretch until I am a little transformed. Just a little. And I am. Most days, I like myself. I don't know that I could ever really say that before. I don't know if it was a fault in my learning or a result of my depression (or both), but I really didn't give myself much credit before. I'm not saying I don't have bad days--I do--but I learned more about the light inside me, and I am so thankful for that. I learned to be lighter, too. To take mistakes and messes and tough days and miscommunications gently, to pause before I react. It was a nice word to focus on.

This year's was much easier to come up with:

e n g a g e

I've been reading a lot about how we use the internet and technology to avoid engaging with things that make us think or feel deeply. I think that is true for me. I spend a lot of time letting myself drift through that vacuum on the pretense of doing something useful, instead of reading the scriptures or making art or getting down on the floor to play with my kids. So this year is going to be about engaging in my life, rather than just getting through it. I know there will still be days when I want badly to shut down, and some days when I won't have the energy to supermom-it through a half hour of pretend, but I want to try. I'm going to make things with my hands and learn more about food and health, and make changes and just be loving and useful. I've got some goals lined up along these lines, I'm just working out my mini-goals so I can actually do them. :)

Does anybody else have a word or a focus for the year? I'd love to hear (read) it if you do. :)

2012: the year of Light.

So every year I choose a word. A defining word for my year.

Last year it was make.

It went well. I made lots of things, and since I'm a make-things kind of person, I took a lot of joy out of it.

I finished a lot of things, too (instead of starting things and leaving them half-done) and found that incredibly satisfying. I don't know why I have such a difficult time with that, but I do tend to pick things up and then get distracted by some (metaphorical) shiny object.

So the year of make went well. I'm a little sad it is over. But obviously I can keep making things.

I gave myself most of January to mull over what I'd like to focus on this year. There are a lot of things. Actually, until about one minute ago, I was focused on the word mother (the verb, obvs), because I really feel I need to learn how to be a (much) better one. But that didn't quite seem complete enough, because I realized that part of the thing I struggle with as a mother is accepting myself and my imperfections. Most days I feel like I really wasn't cut out to be a mother. It does not come naturally. I often feel harried, unkempt, and discouraged. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Most days I put my babies to bed hoping they felt all the love they deserve to feel each day, and honestly wondering whether I have ruined something somehow.

And my depression doesn't help. When that hits--and sometimes it lasts weeks--I just trust the Spirit and the innocence of my kiddos to filter for my babies the difficult time I have just getting out of bed. Or keeping myself from crawling back in it once I'm up. It is a battle of wills--with myself--that exhausts me down to my soul, and I hate that something so physical and out of my control could have an effect on my family.

I know God is aware of me, knows me and my difficulties and faults and struggles, and still He sent me these beautiful children to raise. So He trusts me. I need to learn to trust myself.

So to focus on that--loving and trusting His knowledge of me--and on mothering my children (lifting, supporting, nurturing, and all that mothering entails) I'm choosing the word

l i g h t

I want our home to be a place of light: to find the sweetness, the loveliness, in each day; to find ways to show my children the incredible light that shines from within them, and to learn to see and accept my own; and, when appropriate, to take things lightly. I'm working out my goals around this. If you want to follow this (and all my goals) you might want to check out my goal blog, Lovely Somedays. Because I don't want to hog attention from all the things Gracie says.

word of the year... and gracie's new wall

I thought for a long time about what I wanted this year's word to be; in fact, it took me until sometime in February to finally settle on a word. Though I liked last year's word (which was "believe"--did I ever end up telling you that after I shared my goals?) and the inspiration it brought, I wanted to focus this year on something that made me feel joyful. And one of the things that gives me the most joy is creating things, so my word for this year is simple:

m a k e.

I want to explore new projects and finish old ones. I want to build and paint and sew and write and draw and make our house feel more and more like our home. Part of that will be creating things, and part of it will be "making" something else--time. For my children, for my sweetheart, for my spirit, and for the things that make me feel joy as an individual. So this year you can watch out for things that I've made.

I'll whet your appetite with some fabric wall decals I made for Gracie (after seeing her neighbor Faye's flowery room!). I've wanted something pretty over Gracie's bed that wouldn't potentially fall off and bonk her (we're from California, people--earthquakes are always on my mind!). It was really easy and really fun! First I cut out the flower shapes, and after consulting Faye's mommy, Page, I put them up with some liquid starch I whipped up after googling a how-to. They stuck perfectly and will peel right off without damaging the paint or the walls.

One Little Word: 2009

Last year I jumped on the bandwagon and chose a defining word for 2009.

And. I. Loved it. It gave me purpose, gave me

I shared a half-year update on my birthday, and now I get to look back on the year and see how it went. So:

The Word - 2009:

DO

How it Went:

Well, heck. I DID a ton of things. It was wonderful to have this thought to cling to when I was tempted to just sit back and let life pass. So I did things this year that were hard--I got out there and made new friends in a new state. I looked for help when I had been too afraid to do so for years. I learned to be more conscious and proactive about my body, my health. I still haven't gotten the exercise thing down pat, but I'm eating better than I ever have. Really. And I'm figuring out what foods are good. I am living more in moments (I still need to work on this) instead of ahead or behind them. I am grabbing life by the horns and pursuing my third biggest life dream (Marry an awesome guy - check, Start a family - check... Two down! And the most important ones! So on to the next... And no, it's not another baby, maybe that's the fourth.).

All in all, it was a great experience. Empowering, emboldening. And looking at it now, I feel very much that Heavenly Father was aware that I had chosen to really go for it this year, because he gave me more than one very huge boosts to reach new levels. And that is kind of amazing.

So now, next, the word for 2010. After these messages. :)

My Word (and Goals) for 2009

I love the idea of having a defining word for each year--a word that gives you something to help you cling to the goals you make in January.

My word for this year is

DO

as in stop sitting on your buns and do all those things you keep saying you're going to do!

I want to stop waiting until I "have time" or "feel like it" or whichever other excuses I use to put off the things I really want and need to do.

On that same vein, here are my goals so you can hold me accountable for them...

Jamie's Goals for 2009

This year I will...

• Be a better mommy: I will seize the precious time I have with this beautiful baby of ours. I will keep reading, researching, and watching her changes so I can fulfill her needs. I will love her unconditionally and stop freaking out if a day is a little rough (...most of the time).
• Be a better wife: Take over cooking duties twice a week (Tues & Thurs). Set up dates for us. Work as much as possible from home. Help, support, and cheer on my Steven.
• Write every day...
• Read the Book of Mormon by my birthday. Which means I have to read a certain number of pages per day that I haven't yet figured out. Hmm.
• Get organized. Pick up clutter and put it away as I see it. Have budget meetings with Steve on a regular basis. Sort mail every afternoon.
• Take care of my body. One dessert per day (this might be my most difficult goal!). No other junk food--only healthy snacks. Go for walks/work out/yoga/any kind of exercise every week day.

Now so far I am probably living up to maybe half of these goals, but I'm feeling positive about this year.

And I hereby challenge you to choose a word for the year!