2012: the year of Light.

So every year I choose a word. A defining word for my year.

Last year it was make.

It went well. I made lots of things, and since I'm a make-things kind of person, I took a lot of joy out of it.

I finished a lot of things, too (instead of starting things and leaving them half-done) and found that incredibly satisfying. I don't know why I have such a difficult time with that, but I do tend to pick things up and then get distracted by some (metaphorical) shiny object.

So the year of make went well. I'm a little sad it is over. But obviously I can keep making things.

I gave myself most of January to mull over what I'd like to focus on this year. There are a lot of things. Actually, until about one minute ago, I was focused on the word mother (the verb, obvs), because I really feel I need to learn how to be a (much) better one. But that didn't quite seem complete enough, because I realized that part of the thing I struggle with as a mother is accepting myself and my imperfections. Most days I feel like I really wasn't cut out to be a mother. It does not come naturally. I often feel harried, unkempt, and discouraged. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Most days I put my babies to bed hoping they felt all the love they deserve to feel each day, and honestly wondering whether I have ruined something somehow.

And my depression doesn't help. When that hits--and sometimes it lasts weeks--I just trust the Spirit and the innocence of my kiddos to filter for my babies the difficult time I have just getting out of bed. Or keeping myself from crawling back in it once I'm up. It is a battle of wills--with myself--that exhausts me down to my soul, and I hate that something so physical and out of my control could have an effect on my family.

I know God is aware of me, knows me and my difficulties and faults and struggles, and still He sent me these beautiful children to raise. So He trusts me. I need to learn to trust myself.

So to focus on that--loving and trusting His knowledge of me--and on mothering my children (lifting, supporting, nurturing, and all that mothering entails) I'm choosing the word

l i g h t

I want our home to be a place of light: to find the sweetness, the loveliness, in each day; to find ways to show my children the incredible light that shines from within them, and to learn to see and accept my own; and, when appropriate, to take things lightly. I'm working out my goals around this. If you want to follow this (and all my goals) you might want to check out my goal blog, Lovely Somedays. Because I don't want to hog attention from all the things Gracie says.