Simpler Motherhood: "The Fighting Step"

These kids love each other. They do. But last summer I thought I might lose my mind.

Not literally, you know. But like, it the way that moms across America probably feel like they are losing their minds because their children are all suddenly under one roof again with no stimulation from school, no daily socializing with dozens of classmates, and no opportunity to run around a track. :)

All in all, I love having my kids all home--they are fun and smart and hilarious and remind me to stop to play and enjoy things--but I do NOT love being the referee of sharing, yelling, fighting, "that's not fair," "I'm telling Mom!" etc. As we say in our family, Noooooo, Dennis. Noooo. (That's from Parks and Rec. You should watch it.)

Also, I'm sure this only happens in our family, but there is a lot of blame to be passed when someone starts crying, and usually I don't know who actually started it. And let's be real: usually there is some wrong-doing on all sides. So rather than spend the long hot weeks of summer trying to guess who [was] right and who [was] dead-meat (I'm throwing quotes at you left and right today) I implemented an idea that I read in The Entitlement Trap, a fantastic book by Richard and Linda Eyre that changed my outlook for the better on many, many things parenting- and family-related.

The call it "The Repentance Bench," but as with Amy McCready's "Mind, Body, and Soul Time," I couldn't bring myself to call it that (because 1. holier than thou?!? and 2. I want repentance to feel a liiiiittle more positive). So at our house, it's called The Fighting Step. And when you sit on it, you might look like this:

(Pretty sure Charlie's ears are covered here because he didn't want to listen to Grace. He was also making a disgruntled face, but he automatically turned on his CHEESE smile when I brought the camera out.)

I love the Fighting Step because it works like magic.

Here's how it goes.

The Fighting Step Routine


1. Somebody tattles and/or I notice a conflict getting way out of hand.

2. I ask the tattler if they need me to "help them" on the Fighting Step, or, if I'm just calling it because of noise/hitting/etc., I tell them to take a seat there.

3. The disputants sit down side by side on the Fighting Step. They love this. (No.)

4. All disputants have to stay on the step until each of them has told me what THEY (not their sibling) did wrong in the situation. To keep it from looking too biased or like I am casting blame, I always have the tattler do this first. If they can't figure out what they did wrong, they can ask their sibling for help. They also love this. (No.)

At the end of the "repentance bench" steps they have to say "sorry", but I didn't really feel like the paltry "sorrys" they were doling out were making any impact on either party, so I added this extended apology to round out the Fighting Step party routine.

5. Once we've figured out who did what straight from each horse's mouth, they take turns doing this four step apology, which I found here.

"I'm sorry for (insert behavior)
That was a bad choice because (the why--I helped at first but now they can usually think of a reason)
Next time I will (something they will do, like "next time I will wait for a turn with that toy," NOT something they won't do, like "next time I won't grab your toy.")
Will you forgive me?"

Usually by the end of this, the offended party feels a little bit more vindicated and understood, and will agree to forgive. Then..

6. It is the other kid's turn to apologize.

7. Hug it out.

...

Raise your hand if this sounds like a fun activity to you!!!

Guess what?! The kids don't think it is a fun activity either!!!

So now when they tattle or get into an altercation, we pretty much just do steps one and two. It goes like this:

(Step 1)
Kid A: MOOOO-OOOOOM!!!! KID B HIT ME IN THE FACE WITH A POTATO!!!***

Kid B: NUH-UH!!! KID A WOULDN'T SHARE THE POTATO!!!

(Step 2)
Me (matter-of-fact-ly): Huh. It sounds like you guys are having a tough time. Would you like me to help you out on the Fighting Step, or do you think you can work it out yourselves?

Kids A and B exchange a glance. Together: Work it out.

Kid A: Excuse me, Kid B, can you please not hit me with the potato.

Kid B: Yes. Can you please share the potato.

Kid A: I can share it when I'm done with it. Do you want to have the carrot while you wait?

Kid B: No, I want the potato.

Kid A: Okay, how about you have the potato and then can you give it back when you finish?

Kid B: Yeah.


Boom. Resolved without Mom. (!!!)

Picture of Gracie, Charlie's stuffed animal fox "Puppy" and Charlie, drawn by G.

I know this is so wonderful that it sounds like a lie. But we've been doing this for about a year, and this is actually what happens most of the time now. Now and again someone feels so wronged that they are willing to put in their time and humility on The Step just to get their sibling to admit wrong-doing. But usually they avoid it at all costs. Even if that means sharing without being forced to by Mom.

Now, this isn't actually magic. It is a lot of work up front, and the first week or so my kiddos were on the step ALL. THE. TIME. Like, multiple times a day. Sometimes within minutes of their last trip there. We ALL hated it. But once they learned (over time) that this was the way things were going to be, they started to think twice about just what they could and couldn't work out for themselves. A few months out they were on The Step (isn't it intimidating how it's capitalized?) a couple times a week. Now it is even less often than that.

We have also had to practice all kinds of situations so they know the nice way to behave. (My kids actually say "Excuse me?" when they address me/each other sometimes because I taught them the exact intonation and words.) We've practiced how to share, how to ask for something (an open hand with upturned palm instead of grabbing), how to say that apology up there. We've practiced kind voices and kind words, and what to do if things still don't go your way when you're doing everything nicely. So yeah, it is a lot of work up front. But it has been so good for everyone, and created a lot more peace in our home.

MOST OF ALL I love that it gives them OWNERSHIP of their OWN relationship. The way they approach things now is way more meaningful than if I were forcing them to share/stop hitting/etc. and say those lame insincere "sorry"s all the time. They understand that their relationship is between them, and they are in charge of dealing with it--if a parent is involved, it is only as mediator, not as judge and jury. They are also learning that they both contribute to a fight (even if it is "only" by retaliating when someone else "started it"), AND that their actions can both hurt and heal their siblings.

This is one of my favorite things I've learned as a mama. I love seeing my little people love each other and be friends.

Simpler Motherhood: "Mommy Time"

So last time I got all bandwagon-y about Amy McCready and her "positive parenting" techniques, but I didn't really tell you much about it. (This article she wrote for Today is a great place to start if you want to get a feel for how she ticks.) Today I wanted to take a minute to write about the first thing she recommends doing--which also happens to be the key to the kid I couldn't figure out. :)

One of the first things Amy (can I just call her Amy now?) goes over in her book is why kids really misbehave. She postulates that, for the most part, it is either (1) a cry for attention, or (2) a demonstration of the need to have some kind of power. Both of these make total sense to me, because I also need both TLC and a sense of empowerment to feel at my best. It was fascinating to me to read her descriptions of the many different problems I face with each individual kid, and then see how those behaviors traced back to one of those two needs. Eye-opening. Mind-blowing. And humbling.

Charlie has always been a little bit of an enigma to me. He's got a tender heart but he can also be really reactive--tantrums, scream-crying, and resistance to authority sometimes even in the smallest instances. It's hard for me to be durable enough to withstand the constant little battles sometimes, especially because I don't intuitively understand them. But the introduction of "Mommy Time" has made a huge difference for both of us--and it is really a crucial thing for him. If I skip a day or two with Gracie, I don't see much of a difference. But if I miss a day with Charlie, he really feels it. And I really feel the repercussions, because he starts seeking attention and empowerment in negative ways.

I made a tree out of Legos. :) Playing can be fun!

Mommy Time (which Amy calls Mind, Body, and Soul Time... yeah... I couldn't bring myself to call it that) is basically just a 10 minute block of time that you spend one-on-one with each child each day. During that time, the kid gets to choose the activity and, equally as important, the parent has to be totally present (no phones, no distractions) and all in. Amy suggests doing this twice a day, but so far I've only been able to commit myself to once a day, and even that makes a difference! (Read more about it from Amy here.)

BUT, I had a lot of conflicting reactions when I thought about attempting this:

(1) What am I supposed to do with the other kids who are not having Mommy Time?!

(2) How am I supposed to find time for this in my day?

(3) Can 10 minutes actually even make a difference???

Surprisingly, though, it has worked out really well.

What do I do with the other kids???

I schedule each kids' Mommy Time at the time of day that works best for me. On school days, Charlie usually has his Mommy time just before his quiet time while Juliette naps and Gracie is at school. Gracie has her time in the evening once the other two are in bed.

On the weekends I usually do Mommy Time either right before quiet time or right before bed time. I put Juliette to bed (for nap or bedtime), then Gracie waits while I do Mommy Time with Charlie and I settle him in his room (for quiet time or, if its evening, for bed), and Gracie goes last.

Gracie doing some electrical engineering with Snap Circuits.

How do I find the time for this???

Well, first, I make it. I make the time. I make it a priority. I make myself stop. It is important. I am building the foundations of our relationship, and bonding with them, and loving them. So everything else can wait. (Unless someone is bleeding, obviously.)

I've worked really hard teaching the kids to respect the boundaries of Mommy Time. They know I can't talk to the waiting kid unless they are having a totally dire emergency (again, like if someone is bleeding). My attention is totally on the Mommy Time kid. They are usually cool with this because they know THEY get a turn to have me all to themselves and their sib will have to wait, too.

They also know that when the timer goes off (we use the duck sound on my iPad), Mommy Time is done. This means I don't get stuck, and that makes it easier for me to commit to doing it every day and be consistent. To make the transition easier (because obviously it is hard to be done having your one-on-one time!) I usually let them turn the timer off themselves, thank them for playing with me, and talk about when we will do it again. If we are mid-sentence in a story we finish the page and put in a bookmark. Sometimes we even make a plan for what we'll do the next day. Big hug, thanks for letting Mama play, and what other fun thing are they going to do now while Mommy cleans (or takes a nap!!!)? :)

Will 10 minutes make a difference?

For us? YES.

Making protected time for each of my kids has given them each a deeper sense of belonging, a stronger bond with me, and it just seems to soothe their sweet hearts, too. Charlie in particular is visibly more content and much better behaved when I am consistent about his Mommy Time. This has made him feel safe and secure in a way I was struggling to find for him. It's awesome.

I've also fallen in love with them even more, and gotten to know them better. They are such cool kids, and it is fun to see what they come up with to show me, teach me, and talk to me about in their 10 minutes of shiny fun spotlight time.

And it has made me softer, more patient, more understanding. Though it is still hard for me to tear myself away from projects (or a nap!) sometimes, I really honestly look forward to this time every day now. I love hearing their little voices, uninhibited and pleased as punch to be the center of my attention. I love listening to their thoughts and learning more about how they tick and what makes them feel happy or loved. I love that it is an opening for confidences to be shared as they get older, too.

Obviously I still also play with them during the day. I sit down for Legos or color with Gracie and/or Charlie or read a book to Juliette. I hang out with them. We are together for the majority of our day so I sit with them while I work and they watch PBS, we eat lunch together, etc. But naming this time as theirs--and making a point to give them the choice of what we do, and giving them my undivided attention away from the other sibs--has made this a sacred time for us. They look forward to it every day (and for the most part, so do I!) and ask for it and plan our activities.

It doesn't fix every little problem, but it lays the groundwork for a relationship of mutual trust, affection, and security, and it makes taking steps toward new and better behaviors go a little smoother. ;)

Can you tell her book blew my mind? :)

Simpler Mothering

At the beginning of last year, I made Gracie cry.

Not just "I made her cry" in the way that is typical of the parent/child relationship. She wasn't crying because she'd gotten a "no" answer or because she was feeling put out or because she was having a tantrum. It was not because of any situation. She was crying because of me. Because of the way I'd treated her. She was laying with her head on me, tears running sideways down her face and into her hair, her little heart broken.

I'd been yelling. I had a 2-month-old Juliette, who was lovely but who still liked to eat at night (when I typically like to, you know, sleep...). I was still recovering from pregnancy/childbirth/insane hormones. Charlie was still a little too young to do preschool, and he was having a lot of trouble adjusting to his role shift in the sibling/parent line-up. A lot. And Gracie was in kindergarten, filled with bon vivant and energy, and no matter how many times I said something, no matter how simple the request or question might be, no one seemed to listen to me.

So it escalated.

I don't know when I started yelling. I can't remember. But I know that it quickly grew from a once-in-a-while occurrence to a daily (multiple times a day, I'm sure) habit. And after a while the kids grew used to it, so I had to get louder and scarier and more intense to get their attention. And that was terrible.

And then I broke Gracie's heart.

I apologized, of course. I went into my room alone and cried, and let my heart break, too. I was ashamed and terrified. Because I didn't want to yell... But I didn't know how to get them to listen if I didn't.

And then, because Heavenly Father loves me, I happened upon a podcast on Power of Moms (great great great Mom website! Check out the podcasts) with Amy McCready called How to Get Kids to Listen.

She made a lot of sense, so I did some more reading. She has a huge online parent-training program, which I'm sure is amazing, but it was also expensive! So I looked into a quiet little book she'd written a few years back, called "If I Have to Tell You One More Time...". Which I had literally just said to one of my kids. I ordered it used from Amazon and dove in.

It made so much sense!!!!

It spoke to the type of parent I wanted to be, and to the specific problems I was having with each of my kids (which have alway been very different problems). And gave me not just solutions, but a system. Something reliable to build our little family systems on. So that I was no longer flailing around when someone was going wild, trying to make up a consequence on the spot or force them bodily to put their shoes on...

I wish I could summarize it for you right this minute, but I'll write about a couple of my favorite parts of the book another time. But for now, read through this article about Why Kids Really Misbehave (her insights are so enlightening) or check out one of her free webinars. (There will be a little sales pitch for the online parent training at the end, but I really think the book is totally sufficient if you're pleased with the ideas in the webinar. That book is a gem.)

For now, suffice it to say that the things I learned in my study of this book laid a groundwork that has simplified soooooo much of my life as a parent.

And I don't remember the last time I yelled at one of my kids. <3 div="">

Not-Very-Simple Starting Places

We all have moments where we look at our lives and wonder what went wrong. How did I end up here? How am I this kind of person, instead of the one I wanted to be? For me one of those moments came in January, when I looked at myself and saw a stressed out, over-worked, worried woman who was still behind on "everything" and didn't have the time, energy, or brain space to be a fun mom. A nice mom. A happy mom. Yes, we had our moments of fun, but for the most part, even in the rare moment when I stopped to really play with my kids, I still had this gnawing fear in the pit of my stomach that this little bit of play was only putting me more behind.

In order to get from point A (gnawing fear, stress, unsatisfied, guilty, and behind on everything) to point B (happy mom, present and focused, with a reasonable amount of order and reasonable expectations) I had to shovel myself out of the pressure-laden workload I'd piled on top of myself. No one was going to do this but me. (Hard lesson.) But, as I've seen become more and more apparent over the course of the year, I also don't have to do anything alone. Because I've got a Heavenly Father who puts my feet down on the path he wants me to walk--I just have to trust and go forward.

The first things I looked at were the energy-suckers. Things that devoured my time and effort with little or no reward. These things had to be streamlined, cleared away, automated, and prioritized in order for me to make time to do things that make me happy. Because as much as I'd love to abandon doing the dishes or paying the bills in favor of scratching graphite over sketchbook pages, in the long run, the success and consistency of those necessary things are what give me the mental freedom to delve into peace, study, creativity, and exploration. So, first things first, I knew I had to tackle at least these four massive energy-sucking issues and make them more manageable:

1. My relationship with my children (I was, I am horribly ashamed to admit, yelling a lot),

2. My children's relationships with each other (I didn't know these first two were separate issues at the time),

3. Money (the monster worry that ate my life, pinched my generosity, piled on layer after layer of fear, wasted my time, sucked up my hours, ruined my sleep, and still never felt manageable),

and

4. Housekeeping (the thing I have felt so bad at for my whole life that I literally talked it through with a therapist in a full-on therapy session in my early twenties, and clearly resolved nothing).

I felt intuitively (or, more likely, I was inspired by the Spirit to know) that cleaning up these four (massive!) things would create a firm, dependable foundation of necessary good that would allow me more mental space to devote to the above-and-beyond good I craved: time to read, more moments of creativity, peace in our home, more comfort with/acceptance of who I am, the capability to really engage with my children and with Steve, and enough quiet, unhurried moments to be more focused on the influence of my Savior and the many beautiful plans my Father in Heaven might have for me. 

There were a lot of things missing, huh? I didn't even list all of them.

I am still a work in progress, but I am pleased with the places I've started. 2014 was a banner year for me, and I am so thankful for the work I put in at the beginning now that I can finally look back and see how my path has shifted toward less worry and more beauty. I'm going to try to write myself through this, because it's been kind of a lot to process. So bear with me as I write overly long posts about simplicity--they are mostly for myself, and even though I've thrown a lot of stuff out the (metaphorical) window in the name of streamlining, I've never really been able to be sparing when it comes to words. :)

The Long Road to Simpler

I'm kind of a self-help junkie.

In a good way, I think. In the way that means that I see something I don't like and then look for ways to fix it. But also in the way that I pass casually through the non-fiction section of the Southside Library and leave with so many books that I have to hold the stack (which starts at waist-level) under my chin to keep it steady and a very kind teenager holds the door for me and then I let the whole thing topple in the parking lot as I try to finagle my keys from my pocket. In the way that halfway through the year Steve glanced over at me as I read yet another parenting book and asked, "Are you ever going to read anything fun again?"

The thing is, I love to learn. I've got a knack for study. So when I realized at some point that my current curriculum could be totally self-defined and tailored to the exact needs of my life (instead of a public school's benchmarking needs or a university's GE requirements) I just got crazy, nerdily, bookishly, passionately excited about that idea. I don't have to sit idly by as life happens to me. I can learn and grow and forge a life I feel exhilarated to wake up to every morning. And that is why, when 2014 was already halfway over, I changed this year's one little word to "simplify."

The thing about simplifying your life on a large scale is that it is not simple. It requires huge amounts of effort, restructuring, researching, rethinking, and most of all, the thing that gives me perhaps the most anxiety/dread/heebie jeebies (and often triggers my depression to come out to play): massive amounts of CHANGE.

What I've noticed so far, though, is that this change (these many, many changes) is/are the good kind of hard work. The kind that makes your mind feel lighter and your body pleasantly tired by bedtime--like running for a good long time and then enjoying the ache in your muscles. Because it means accomplishment. It means moving forward. It means you are doing something, and not just standing still.

I'm going to talk more about this later. But right now, I need to round up some children and go pick up my big girl from school. :)