Simpler Motherhood: "Mommy Time"

So last time I got all bandwagon-y about Amy McCready and her "positive parenting" techniques, but I didn't really tell you much about it. (This article she wrote for Today is a great place to start if you want to get a feel for how she ticks.) Today I wanted to take a minute to write about the first thing she recommends doing--which also happens to be the key to the kid I couldn't figure out. :)

One of the first things Amy (can I just call her Amy now?) goes over in her book is why kids really misbehave. She postulates that, for the most part, it is either (1) a cry for attention, or (2) a demonstration of the need to have some kind of power. Both of these make total sense to me, because I also need both TLC and a sense of empowerment to feel at my best. It was fascinating to me to read her descriptions of the many different problems I face with each individual kid, and then see how those behaviors traced back to one of those two needs. Eye-opening. Mind-blowing. And humbling.

Charlie has always been a little bit of an enigma to me. He's got a tender heart but he can also be really reactive--tantrums, scream-crying, and resistance to authority sometimes even in the smallest instances. It's hard for me to be durable enough to withstand the constant little battles sometimes, especially because I don't intuitively understand them. But the introduction of "Mommy Time" has made a huge difference for both of us--and it is really a crucial thing for him. If I skip a day or two with Gracie, I don't see much of a difference. But if I miss a day with Charlie, he really feels it. And I really feel the repercussions, because he starts seeking attention and empowerment in negative ways.

I made a tree out of Legos. :) Playing can be fun!

Mommy Time (which Amy calls Mind, Body, and Soul Time... yeah... I couldn't bring myself to call it that) is basically just a 10 minute block of time that you spend one-on-one with each child each day. During that time, the kid gets to choose the activity and, equally as important, the parent has to be totally present (no phones, no distractions) and all in. Amy suggests doing this twice a day, but so far I've only been able to commit myself to once a day, and even that makes a difference! (Read more about it from Amy here.)

BUT, I had a lot of conflicting reactions when I thought about attempting this:

(1) What am I supposed to do with the other kids who are not having Mommy Time?!

(2) How am I supposed to find time for this in my day?

(3) Can 10 minutes actually even make a difference???

Surprisingly, though, it has worked out really well.

What do I do with the other kids???

I schedule each kids' Mommy Time at the time of day that works best for me. On school days, Charlie usually has his Mommy time just before his quiet time while Juliette naps and Gracie is at school. Gracie has her time in the evening once the other two are in bed.

On the weekends I usually do Mommy Time either right before quiet time or right before bed time. I put Juliette to bed (for nap or bedtime), then Gracie waits while I do Mommy Time with Charlie and I settle him in his room (for quiet time or, if its evening, for bed), and Gracie goes last.

Gracie doing some electrical engineering with Snap Circuits.

How do I find the time for this???

Well, first, I make it. I make the time. I make it a priority. I make myself stop. It is important. I am building the foundations of our relationship, and bonding with them, and loving them. So everything else can wait. (Unless someone is bleeding, obviously.)

I've worked really hard teaching the kids to respect the boundaries of Mommy Time. They know I can't talk to the waiting kid unless they are having a totally dire emergency (again, like if someone is bleeding). My attention is totally on the Mommy Time kid. They are usually cool with this because they know THEY get a turn to have me all to themselves and their sib will have to wait, too.

They also know that when the timer goes off (we use the duck sound on my iPad), Mommy Time is done. This means I don't get stuck, and that makes it easier for me to commit to doing it every day and be consistent. To make the transition easier (because obviously it is hard to be done having your one-on-one time!) I usually let them turn the timer off themselves, thank them for playing with me, and talk about when we will do it again. If we are mid-sentence in a story we finish the page and put in a bookmark. Sometimes we even make a plan for what we'll do the next day. Big hug, thanks for letting Mama play, and what other fun thing are they going to do now while Mommy cleans (or takes a nap!!!)? :)

Will 10 minutes make a difference?

For us? YES.

Making protected time for each of my kids has given them each a deeper sense of belonging, a stronger bond with me, and it just seems to soothe their sweet hearts, too. Charlie in particular is visibly more content and much better behaved when I am consistent about his Mommy Time. This has made him feel safe and secure in a way I was struggling to find for him. It's awesome.

I've also fallen in love with them even more, and gotten to know them better. They are such cool kids, and it is fun to see what they come up with to show me, teach me, and talk to me about in their 10 minutes of shiny fun spotlight time.

And it has made me softer, more patient, more understanding. Though it is still hard for me to tear myself away from projects (or a nap!) sometimes, I really honestly look forward to this time every day now. I love hearing their little voices, uninhibited and pleased as punch to be the center of my attention. I love listening to their thoughts and learning more about how they tick and what makes them feel happy or loved. I love that it is an opening for confidences to be shared as they get older, too.

Obviously I still also play with them during the day. I sit down for Legos or color with Gracie and/or Charlie or read a book to Juliette. I hang out with them. We are together for the majority of our day so I sit with them while I work and they watch PBS, we eat lunch together, etc. But naming this time as theirs--and making a point to give them the choice of what we do, and giving them my undivided attention away from the other sibs--has made this a sacred time for us. They look forward to it every day (and for the most part, so do I!) and ask for it and plan our activities.

It doesn't fix every little problem, but it lays the groundwork for a relationship of mutual trust, affection, and security, and it makes taking steps toward new and better behaviors go a little smoother. ;)

Can you tell her book blew my mind? :)